In Body I Trust Read online

  Sure enough, the chiming of Emmett’s keys hanging from his belt loop and Kerrin’s chain leash came walking by on a slow four count.

  “Hey Emmett,” Amelia yelled down from above.

  “Hello!” he hollered back with his usual chipper voice. More than likely, he’d been up since five in the morning, startled awake by a claw to the face from his cat, Kimchi.

  “I’ll come downstairs with Luna in just a second if you have time for an early Friday stoop hang.”

  “No other way I’d like to start my day.”

  Amelia put out her cigarette and ushered Luna inside to put on her leash. She grabbed her technicolored fanny pack and ventured downstairs. She opened the front door of her building to find a jumping and barking Kerrin on one side of the gate, Luna on the other mimicking her excitement. Luna and Kerrin had a mutual understanding. Kerrin was nine, much wiser than a two-year-old puppy like Luna. The big sister to Luna’s little.

  Luna always barked when Kerrin did because that’s what you do with an older sibling. You look up to them and imitate their every move, even when they were qualities you shouldn’t necessarily cling to. Just like Amelia as a young girl trying to be just like her older sisters—the girl who put lemon in her dark brown hair in a sad attempt to turn it blond but instead it shined bright orange from being too young to understand that brown doesn’t easily turn blond. The girl who stood in the mirror beside her sister while she told Amelia about the sexiness of a little bump on a woman’s belly, examining her own down to the finest detail.

  “Hello there,” Emmett said as he opened up his arms for a hug. They were some of the best hugs Amelia had ever gotten. Sometimes they went for a little too long, but she embraced them. She’d soak up every second she could. Hugging him meant someone was holding her.

  “Hey Emmett, how’s your morning going? Usual five a.m. wake-up call from Kimchi?”

  “You betcha. Only this time I think she may have actually been trying to kill me. She might be an assassin. Who’s to say?” Emmett patted the fresh wound on the bridge of his nose with his middle finger.

  They walked back over towards his stoop and sat down to smoke a cigarette. The dogs found their own perfect spots. Kerrin curled up in the dirt next to the stoop, Luna at the top stair guarding the front door.

  “So, I did something I can’t stop thinking about.”

  “What do you mean?” Luna paced around Emmett, sniffing his armpit.

  “You know, one of those things you do in the heat of a drunken, vulnerable moment.”

  “I can’t drink so I have to live vicariously through other people. What did you do?”

  “Don’t get too excited, it wasn’t one of those fun drunks. It was the kind where I make really poor decisions without thinking about what the end result might be.”

  “Ooo, this sounds enticing. Do tell more.”

  Amelia, uncertain if she should tell him or not, decided to throw caution to the wind.

  “Well for starters, I texted Dom.”

  Emmett fell silent for a few moments. Amelia had told him all about Dominic during their first hangout in her front yard which was probably why he was taken back. He took another drag of his hand rolled cigarette. He preferred them hand rolled. Like he had created something out of nothing for him to utilize.

  “And what did he say back?” Emmett’s voice grew agitated.

  “He didn’t respond. Honestly, he probably won’t. Instant regret.”

  Amelia could feel the energy of Emmett’s discomfort turn vibrant red.

  “Can I ask a question?” He averted his eyes from Amelia’s, something she also did when she felt uncomfortable or nervous.

  “Sure, you can ask me anything.”

  “Why didn’t you text or call me if you needed someone?”

  There it was, exactly what Amelia was afraid of. It was like she was back in the ocean of Argentina, knowing she shouldn’t turn her back to the wave, but did it anyway.

  “I don’t know, I guess I was ashamed.” Amelia’s cheeks burned bright pink. Emmett was the one person she never needed to be uncomfortable around, until now.

  She wanted to explain to Emmett that her choice to omit him from experiencing her vulnerable state had nothing to do with him. That it had everything to do with recovery, not just from her eating disorder, but from heartbreak.

  “I just don’t understand,” Emmett was getting even more flustered. His speech quickened and Amelia could see his mind wander through his deviating eyes. “You can continue to obsess over someone who treated you like the scum of the Earth, but all the while I’m right here trying to be supportive of you. It leaves me feeling like I’m unworthy. Like I’m too weird, too broken, too disabled to have a relationship.”

  A feeling Amelia knew all too well.

  “That’s not fair Emmett.” She tried to find the right words, knowing what she had to say next could make or break their friendship. “I’m not trying to hurt you, you have to understand that. You know I’m screwed up and I’m just trying to figure my shit out. I have issues, and you’re literally the only one that knows the full extent of them. I promise this has nothing to do with you.”

  Emmett’s entire demeanor changed. He crossed his arms against his chest and the once chipper tone felt dark and empty. He was mad, an emotion she hadn’t yet seen from him.

  “There is either something severely unattractive about me or else you’re violating your own boundaries you’ve set for yourself and I need to be very concerned about your wellbeing.”

  Amelia’s eyes widened and her head jerked back in bewilderment.

  “Whoa, boundaries?”

  How dare he think that he has some authority over what boundaries I set for myself.

  She was torn between frustration and not wanting to lose Emmett’s friendship. She could sense that her defensive reaction was not what he wanted to hear.

  “You’re taking this all wrong and using my own issues against me, Emmett. Can’t you see that?”

  “No Amelia, I’m not. I’ve shown you how much I care about you. All I want to do is catch you every time you fall so that you’ll never be hurt. Yet you run towards the person whose only goal is to hurt you.”

  “You know nothing about my relationship with Dom. Nothing.” Amelia was at the point of no return. There was already such a loss of control over so much in her life, she didn’t need someone she barely knew trying to control her, too. “Don’t you dare try and tell me that what I did was wrong or right. It’s my life and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.”

  Amelia threw her cigarette on the ground and stomped it out with her shoe.

  “Do you have feelings for me, Amelia? I need you to be honest.”

  Amelia stared at the ground and slowly turned towards Emmett. Maybe she wasn’t clear enough with him. Maybe she’d led him on without thinking. She couldn’t ever remember saying the exact words “I don’t want a relationship with you, I just want to be friends,” but she did remember telling him that she didn’t want to date him. Or at least she thought she did. She can’t trust her memory. Only her body.

  “Emmett, I’m sorry…” He didn’t have to guess anymore, and she didn’t have to wonder whether or not he understood. Emmett knew exactly what she meant.

  “This always happens to me. I meet someone, grow feelings for them, and every time I’m confronted with rejection. I’m not going to sugarcoat this for myself. I’m sure I’ll see you around with someone else at some point. Guess I’ll just have to deal with that.”

  Amelia felt like bugs were crawling under her skin. The emotional confrontation was making her lean into her little monster, her only safe space left.

  “Come on Luna, we’re going home.” She grabbed Luna’s leash and pulled her towards the bottom of the stairs.

  “That’s a good idea, honestly. I think I just need some space right now.”

  You need space!?

  She was grateful for her brain filtering out at least one thought. If
someone told Amelia they wanted space, she’d give them space. She always took people for their word. It was easier than trying to read between the lines.

  This was the moment Amelia had been thinking about since they met. They became everything to one another as fast as lightning, and just as fast they were nothing. Space meant only one thing, which she learned from Dom. Space meant it was over. No more front yard chats or stoop hangouts. No more Emmett, Kerrin, Amelia, and Luna. No more guardian angel.

  For once, Luna was unable to keep up, falling behind Amelia’s trail as she stormed back up to the apartment. The fact that Emmett, or anyone for that matter, had the audacity to tell her she was breaking her own boundaries infuriated her—as did the fact that she couldn’t have him as a friend because she didn’t have the same feelings as he did.

  She wanted to be seen as more than an item that was meant to belong to another. She wanted to have a friendship with Emmett, one based on understanding and empathy. One that allowed for conversation and comforting. But Amelia was wrong once again.

  Just like that, the little bubble they’d made for themselves had finally popped. Like everyone else in her life, he was gone. And all she could do was blame herself.

  Amelia paced up and down her apartment, just as she did whenever she felt directionless. Emmett’s voice played on a loop in her head.

  Like I’m too disabled for a relationship.

  Her anger turned instantly into sadness; frustration into self-loathing. In heightened situations her emotions could switch without warning.

  She never wanted to make Emmett feel that way, or anyone for that matter. This was another reason Amelia kept to herself. If she was alone, that meant there would be no opportunity for her to hurt someone she cared about. There would be no chance she could make anyone’s life worse by entering it in response to her own selfish desire to not be alone.

  That was one of the reasons why she went to her group therapy on Saturdays, to find connection with others who felt just as alone and defeated as she did.

  Amelia stopped pacing in a state of panic.

  If tomorrow’s Saturday, that means today is Friday…

  The day of her mom’s biopsy results. Another selfish move by none other than Amelia herself. Not a surprise. Dominic said she was selfish. She just didn’t realize how selfish her disease had made her.

  She jumped back and frantically scrounged around the kitchen searching for her phone, remembering she left it on the charger in her bedroom before she went to see Emmett. It was typical for her to leave the house and not bring her phone with her. It wasn’t like anyone was going to call. It was a device only meant for scrolling and wishing for someone to be on the other end thinking of her.

  “Siri, call Mom.”

  After a few rings, she answered.

  “Hello, daughter, how are you?”

  “Did you get the results?” Amelia completely disregarded the small talk and wanted to get straight down to business.

  “I did! The doctor said it’s benign, so all is good! Praise be to God!”

  “Wait, that’s it?” Amelia was confused. She still had a million thoughts running through her head. “Do they have to take it out? Could it get worse or become precancerous? What are the chances?”

  “Amelia, slow down. It’s okay, really. The doctor said there is nothing more that needs to be done. It’ll be looked at every six months, but it can just sit there without any need to bother it. I can go back to life as usual.”

  Back to normal?

  She couldn’t understand how that was possible.

  “Mom, that’s amazing.” She held back tears of relief. “How do you feel?”

  “Well.” She sighed into the phone. “I have to say, I feel different.”

  “How so? Relieved?”

  “No, more than that. After he told me the results, all I could think about was you.”

  “Why—”

  Gwen interrupted her as usual.

  “Because, Amelia, it just made me reflect a lot about where I’ve gone and what I’ve done. I mean, honestly, what have I done with my life? No offense to you or your brother or sisters. I just can’t help but think that I never really traveled or dreamt any bigger goals for myself. There isn’t anything I can look back on and say, ‘Wow, I did that.’ I only ever lived for other people.

  “I lived for you kids, I lived for your father. But I never really lived for me, at least not until now. And even so, I’m still taking care of Peter with his bad back. Plus his memory is only getting worse.”

  Amelia could hear the regret in her voice.

  “I know, Mom, but like you said, you’re finally living for yourself now. You’re making choices to do things you actually want to do, not what you feel obligated to. And you have someone alongside you for the ride who loves you to the moon and back.” Amelia’s heart was breaking. She wanted to give her mother words of encouragement, just like she had for Amelia’s thirty years of life. Despite whatever hardships they may have endured together, Gwen was Amelia’s lifeline who had helped her through so much.

  “It’s what made me think of you, and your…you know, condition.” She never said the words out loud. That Amelia had an eating disorder. “I want you to be healthy and happy. I want you to live your life doing the things that fulfill you. I’ve seen you do it before, and I know it’s possible again. I just don’t want you to become like me, looking down the road, almost turning seventy, wondering what you did or what you’ll leave behind, thinking of all the things you didn’t do or were afraid to do because of whatever reason. I want you to take care of yourself so you can live the life I never had the chance to. I want you to be free.”

  To be free…

  Amelia thought that all she wanted was happiness and health, but the truth was smacking her in the face. All she truly wanted this entire time—through depressive spells and her eating disorder taking control—was to be free. Free of Dominic, free of depression, free of her inner demons that grabbed ahold of her neck every time she tried to breathe. She wanted freedom.

  Despite hearing Gwen share in that sentiment for her daughter, Amelia still couldn’t find it in her to believe she’d ever have it.

  “I love you, Mom. I love you so much. Thank you for saying that. I’m so happy you’re getting a second chance.” Amelia meant every word. For once, she wasn’t lying to appease someone. She really was ecstatic for her.

  “God is filled with second chances, Amelia. You just need to have faith and turn to Him when you feel like you’re losing hope.”

  Hope, a word filled with expectations. Her mom always turned to God through the good and the bad.

  Amelia’s relationship with God wasn’t as strong as her mother’s. Once upon a time it was, but so much had happened to make her stray. She tried going to church when she was traveling, but it was difficult when she was visiting so many countries that didn’t have English-language masses. She knew the order of things so she could follow along with the motions to the best of her ability, but it made her feel distant. A stranger in a crowd of people who were supposed to be an instant community.

  Dominic didn’t believe in God, only science. He constantly questioned Amelia about religion causing her to doubt her own beliefs.

  “God doesn’t exist,” Dom said to her one night at a hostel in the hills of Minca, Colombia. “And if he did, there wouldn’t be such terror and bullshit happening in the world. My friends would still be alive, not dead in the ground from fentanyl.”

  After a few more minutes of their usual banter, Gwen and Amelia said goodbye and hung up the phone. Amelia was baffled. Why wasn’t she more relieved knowing her mom was going to be okay? Because once again, her egotistical brain took a beautiful moment and twisted Gwens words. She distorted the reality of what was actually said.

  What had Amelia done with her life? Not much at this point. Sure she traveled, but what had she really accomplished? Stupid job after stupid job, failed relationship after failed relationship, br
oken friendships, moving more times than she could count to escape a world she couldn’t grasp living in.

  Amelia was depressed, lethargic, hungry, but more shameful than hungry. No amount of weed could cure this beast. Everything felt meaningless. Gwen was right. She did need to get healthy and do things for herself that would make her happy.

  That was the exact problem.

  Nothing made her happy anymore. Nothing gave her the will to keep going. Freedom was unattainable. No matter how far into the depths of her soul she went, there was simply not enough energy left to regain control over her recovery. She couldn’t achieve freedom from herself, no matter how much optimism her mom might’ve had.

  Amelia turned back to the remains of her wine from the night before. She popped the cork and poured the rest into a giant glass, immediately opening up another bottle. Each glass turned into one more until it was time to open the third bottle. She wanted to numb the pain the only way she knew how.

  Maybe this is what Mom meant by wasting my life away. Drinking and smoking my life down the drain.

  Amelia wasn’t working towards a goal, nor had any idea if she could ever have a job where her mental illness didn’t get in the way. It was her own fault she wasn’t traveling the world anymore. The person she thought she’d spend the rest of her life with ran as far away from her as possible, literally leaving the country.

  She’d never find a way out.

  She’d never face her illness.

  She’d never love herself again.

  She’d never escape her disorders.

  Freedom was a joke.

  Getting treatment, who am I kidding?

  Getting treatment would cost her at least thirty thousand dollars out of pocket without insurance. That was out of the question. She’d never be accepted into any center if she couldn’t afford it. Her last hope for recovery.

  There was no point in wanting a future because Amelia didn’t have one. Gwen could want it for her daughter with every ounce of her being, but it was a moot point. Even when she was able to look over the hill and catch a glimpse of the sunrise, a storm cloud brought tornados and life-threatening lightning storms to squander the view. Her depression would come through just when she was starting to think that she could find a way out. Recovery was so far out of her reach, she was done.