In Body I Trust Read online

  Lauren Dow

  In Body I Trust

  A Novel Published by New Luna Press, Denver, Colorado

  First published by New Luna Press 2021

  Copyright © 2021 by Lauren Dow

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

  This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

  Lauren Dow asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

  This book is written, published, and sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical or other professional services by reason of their authorship or publication of this work, nor is this book intended as a substitute for medical advice. If medical or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

  Published in the United States by New Luna Press, LLC, Denver, Colorado.

  New Luna Press is a registered Limited Liability Company and is a trade name of New Luna Press, LLC.

  Cover Design Copyright © 2021 by Lauren Dow

  Book design and production by New Luna Press, LLC

  Edited by Claire Evans

  Book cover photograph by Timmy Miller

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2021901989

  Description: Denver, Colorado : New Luna Press, 2021

  ISBN 978-1-7365725-0-4 (paperback) | ISBN 978-1-7365725-1-1 (hardcover) | ISBN 978-1-7365725-2-8 (ebook)

  newlunapress.com | laurendow.com

  First edition

  This book was professionally typeset on Reedsy

  Find out more at reedsy.com

  For the ones who suffer in silence, you are not alone.

  Content Warning: The following content of this book discusses topics regarding eating disorders, mental illness, self-harm, and suicide.

  Contents

  Preface

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Epilogue

  Resources

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Preface

  What will I leave behind?

  I used to believe in the false narrative that the world should exist without me in it, that there was no future beyond age twenty-nine when I attempted to take my own life.

  I’m not sure when it all started—the impulsivity during a state of anxiety and over the top emotional highs, the deep depressive spells that sucked me into bed for days on end, or the disordered eating thoughts and behaviors which dictated my life for years. However, recovery is not a linear process with a clear beginning or an obvious end.

  When I originally started writing this book, it was a means of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy suggested by my therapist. I wrote in “I” statements and worked through a cyclical motion of different emotional scenarios to dissociate feelings from food. I was trying to discover what control really meant to me and learn how to navigate this world of recovery alone. I had to know what it would take to come out the other side alive.

  It was never intended for anyone’s eyes but mine.

  But as I continued to write, the masks I wore every day were slowly removed. I was tired of hiding behind a façade. I made the decision to share my experiences on my blog and social media. I soon realized there were far too many others who were experiencing the exact same thing, regardless if there was a diagnosis or not. A blog would not be enough. I turned my personal, therapeutic word dump into a book.

  I shifted the story to a third-person perspective. By removing myself personally from the narrative, I became a viewer of my life instead of the one living it. I turned my eating disorder into a living, breathing person with a face, a story, and a name.

  What you’ll see throughout this book is what lies behind an average day in the life of someone with disordered thoughts, someone for whom mental illness has become their driving force. You’ll be exposed to parts of myself I never thought I’d share because I believed there was no point. But now, I understand that I needed to fall in order to show others that it’s absolutely possible to get back up.

  This book is a transparent and authentic depiction of who I am and what I’ve overcome. It’s the realization that it was never about body image or my weight. It was something rooted far deeper below this leafless tree I called a body.

  The characters you’ll meet are not one specific person, but rather conglomerations of the every-friend, the multiple abusers I’ve been with, the embodiment of loneliness through mental illness, and the truth behind my personal journey of recovery.

  As a special note to those who suffer from mental illness and eating disorders, I love you. I unconditionally adore you for exactly who you are. I wrote this for you. I wrote this so you would know you’re not alone. Recovery is possible. It’s a lonely road but it leads to somewhere beautiful. It’s a vista you can experience, too.

  Before you continue reading, take a second and breathe. Open your eyes to see the world around you for what it really is. It’s not about what happened five minutes ago, it’s not about what happened five years ago. It’s about what’s happening right now and how you plan to move forward.

  It’s like hiking a trail in the mountains. Eventually there will be a fork in the path where you’ll have to make a decision. You can take the clear, definitive trail you’ve seen time and time again but leads you nowhere new. Or you can take a turn off the beaten path, towards the thin trail covered with overgrown trees and brush, the one without any indication of where it’s going. It might seem daunting, but you’re never going to know how epic the destination might be until you try.

  Don’t punish yourself if you’re afraid to take the uncharted path just yet. Don’t beat yourself up because you need to walk that steady, clear, concrete trail ahead of you for a little bit longer. Someday you’ll find the strength and vulnerability to explore the wilderness. And no one else will be able to do that for you except yourself.

  I fought tooth and nail through recovery to be able to enjoy the simplistically beautiful things life has to offer. All I want is to bring a sliver of that light into someone else’s darkness.

  When you’re ready, walk that path with your eyes wide open. Put your heart out into the world, live through the wisdom of your higher power, and lead with love. The rest will fall exactly into place.

  This book has given me the gift of closure. This book is what I will leave behind.

  Chapter 1

  In the morning, she thrived. She had her routine and a sense of optimism. Determination fueled her body, but typically ended around noon when the day finally turned over. Not on days like this. Days like this were a taste of paradise. A vacation from the norm.

  Brisk air and a gray haze covered the city, making the world feel like it would be morning all day long. A haze that silenced the voices of her eating disorder. They too were on a vacation from the norm as they lazily napped in the back of her mind. Amelia could finally take a moment to breathe.

  The clouds hovering outside her bedroom window reminded her of the northwest. Maybe she
’d do better living somewhere like Portland or Seattle, but she associated those places with debilitating depression. A curse she already had to manage daily. But…what if she was wrong? Maybe she could move to one of those sleepy cities and it would silence the voices for good.

  Every year since she graduated college, Amelia would sell everything she owned and move somewhere new. She’d drive around the country with the hope of finding a way to start over. She didn’t view it as running away, but rather running towards something: a sense of home.

  Even her new apartment felt foreign to her. A giant marble placard hung outside the front door of the four-story shared townhome. Built in 2004. Not even old enough to drink. It had its quirks which she loved and was perfectly located in the heart of Denver. Still, it wasn’t home. More like an extended stay at a fully furnished Airbnb.

  The line between normal spontaneity and manic episodes resulting in destructive impulsivity was a thin one; Amelia was never sure on which side of the line her decisions to move fell. At least that’s what her therapist, Miranda, told her.

  “You seem to revisit the idea of moving a lot,” Miranda said in their last therapy session. “You’ve switched apartments three times in the last year, and now you’re considering moving back to Florida with your mom again.”

  “Right, but it’s not like I have anything here for me—”

  “Since Dominic left,” Miranda interjected.

  Amelia hadn’t yet figured out who she was without him. She’d met Dominic right as she was dramatically planning her first solo backpacking adventure. Six continents in one year. That was the plan, at least it was the plan before that night they met. After hours of flirting at Scottie’s Pub and getting three whiskey gingers deep, she leaned in close so he’d hear her words over the beating music. The words that would change both of their lives forever.

  “Are we going to pretend like this isn’t happening?” Dominic was taken aback by her boldness. Without overthinking, he leaned in closer, held her face with both hands, and kissed her while the rest of the bar faded away.

  Home. Is this what home feels like?

  Only this time, instead of running away to find home, home would come with her. He ordered his passport and bought a one way ticket to Paris with Amelia.

  It took nine months of traveling for Amelia’s depression to find her again. She expressed to Dominic her need for stability, which is how they settled on Denver as their new home. But within a few hours of returning back to the United States, Dom had thrown away almost two years of sobriety with a few bumps of crushed oxycodone through his nose.

  After another year and a half of codependency and toxic fighting, Dominic performed his final act of manipulation. He went on a “vacation” to Guatemala and never came back. He left her alone with Luna in an apartment she didn’t want, in a city that made her feel like a constant stranger. He abandoned her.

  Even thinking about Dominic made her question if their relationship had been a legitimate desire or her mania. Her gut had sent out warning signs and her close friends suggested there were red flags, yet she still fell into an overly romanticized version of backpacking the world with him. Anorexia was just collateral damage.

  “Bipolar disorder is a complicated thing.” Amelia felt Miranda was hinting putting her back on medication. “It’s easy to confuse being spontaneous and being impulsive. It’s like having to choose a side, only you don’t know which side is telling the truth. So you fall into your eating disorder because at least you know it’s one thing about yourself you can control.”

  “So I’m bound to live in a catch-22 for the rest of my life?”

  “What I’m saying is that maybe the reason you’ve had a difficult time with basic decisions is because you’re too overwhelmed by the big ones.”

  Simple decisions were like mountains she had to climb barefoot in a blizzard. The voices would take over, blasting at full volume, and she followed their orders every time. It was easier that way. Her rational brain was too debilitatingly indecisive for her to argue with.

  Amelia rolled over on her side to be the big spoon to Luna’s little. She rubbed her face along the back of Luna’s freshly washed fur, the feeling a balm for her anxiety.

  They snuggled in bed while Luna’s tail wagged with excitement until the apprehension of not immediately seizing the day took over, forcing Amelia out of bed. She pushed the forty-pound puppy aside to fix the sheets, removed her glasses and replaced them with contacts to see the world for what it really was. Just another Monday.

  Amelia continued with her morning ritual. She brushed her teeth while simultaneously making a pot of coffee. The aroma of the warm roasted beans overpowered the room as she filled her mug, reminding her that any odors would soon be eliminated by the first puff of her cigarette.

  It was cool enough outside on an early April morning that her feet still needed the comfort of cotton socks as a layer of protection. For a few minutes, Amelia dug through her dresser drawers, but inevitably chose the bright blue pair with rubber grips. Despite being covered in giant holes, the socks were a robotic decision with no chance of becoming overwhelmed. A small victory.

  She sat on the edge of her bed and slipped one foot into each sock. Her frail arms were barely able to push herself up to a standing position. A sea of white stars flushed over her vision, making the room spin. Three days without eating could do that. The grips on the bottom of her socks were the only thing that would keep her from losing her balance walking across the hardwood floor.

  Amelia opened the door to her balcony, holding a book in one hand and her pack of cigarettes in the other. She sat on the cold, metal rocking chair and took the first seemingly rewarding, yet unfulfilling drag as the white stick sizzled between her fingers. After reading a few pages and finishing her first smoke of the day, she mentally checked off the boxes as complete. Onto the next task.

  She took Luna for her morning walk and brought her back home for breakfast. One cup of generic dog food scooped into her bowl. Amelia sat in her blue suede chair at the head of the kitchen table while Luna ate so she could write. The start of another mundane week.

  Miranda insisted she create a routine, which she did, but it never lasted.

  “Losing your job doesn’t mean you still can’t find structure in your days,” Miranda’s voice tickled the back of Amelia’s mind right on cue. “Routine gives you purpose, meaning, direction.”

  Amelia’s mental health was the root cause of why her previous jobs didn’t work out, and this last one was no exception. She had to find new ways to occupy her days.

  “Routine is one of the most important things you can do right now to…”

  “To help me recover. I know, I know.”

  Two years ago, Amelia was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, binge eating disorder, and bipolar II. She was officially put into a box and defined. It was her scarlet letter for the world to see, shame she wore like a badge that gave others an open invitation to look down upon her. She had always viewed herself as tainted, unworthy, and broken. Only now she had a label. She was sick.

  But if she isolated herself, no one would know her dirty little secret. No one would have the chance to judge her. So, she kept to herself. It was easier that way. Just like the decisions. No decisions, no consequences. No relationships, no explanations.

  Amelia opened her journal to a fresh page noted by a receipt she used as a bookmark from her latest trip to the library. She hovered her pen over the cream-colored sheet of empty lines waiting for the words to come out.

  She hated most things about her body, but not her hands. Her hands were powerful. They could capture her thoughts, aspirations, or fictional stories, taking her far away from the world she knew. Writing was therapeutic, especially with a pen and paper. The permanency of inner thoughts. Once the pen hit the paper, there was no going back. Everything from that point forward was unapologetically hers with no one there to share their opinions.

  Sure, she could always use Wite-Out,
but once she returned to a story, she’d see the bandage that covered something she’d once felt and experienced. She’d always know what hid behind the thick, white smear. It didn’t erase her truth, just masked it with a coat of paint.

  Words were her only source of intimacy, words she manifested from nothing. No matter what was happening in her life, she could dive headfirst into any world she wanted. Even if it meant there was no one there to exist within that world with her.

  As quickly as people came into her life, people left. Instead, she held onto her morning routine. A cherished ritual like hunting for Easter eggs that her mom sporadically placed throughout the house. Or the classic quiche on Christmas morning, served with a side of hot chocolate and a cinnamon bun for dessert because on Christmas, per ritual, you have dessert after breakfast.

  The only rituals Amelia had left were her sunrise coffee and regimented cigarette breaks. There were no egg hunts or holiday meals. Just Amelia and her eating disorder. And while Amelia thrived in the daylight, her disorder thrived in the dark.

  She looked out the window towards the gray morning sky.

  What’s the point? It’s not like anyone would read anything you have to say. You’re pathetic. You’re worthless. You’re such a piece of shit. What do you even do all day?

  The voices charged, like guns blazing, firing words of defamation and self-loathing straight between her eyes. Blood surged from the center of her chest as an overwhelming heat spread through her entire body. This wasn’t supposed to happen, not on days like this.

  Just breathe, Amelia.

  She closed her eyes and gently rubbed her hands against the arms of the chair. It was a type of meditation Miranda had taught her.

  “When you start to feel anxious or out of control, bring yourself back to the present moment,” Miranda said, mimicking the same hand rubbing motion on the thighs of her denim jeans. “Say out loud what you’re physically feeling. Remember, nothing bad is actually happening to you right now.”